Duplicitous. This is the word that describes my years of ‘acting out’ as an addict.
There’s an old saying: “He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.” I had plenty to hide. Some of it was illegal. Most of it was immoral. And all of it was selfish and self-serving.
I pretended to love God; in fact, I had convinced myself that I was going to enter the ministry. I signed up to study Christian theology and philosophy… (I even studied ancient Greek). I thought I was preparing myself for service to God.
But the whole time I was learning about God, I was ‘studying’ pornography. A student of theology by day, and porn by night. Yeah, you could say I had plenty to hide.
And this duplicity continued throughout my married life until I got caught… and I, finally, had to face my hypocrisy.
Learning to tell the truth was not easy for me. I had spent almost forty years lying about everything – things I didn’t need to lie about. I even lied to myself… my lying had become pathological.
No one ever saw the real me, only the ‘fake’ me. Just smoke and mirrors.
It is God’s will that I become whole, a whole person. God is not duplicitous; and God’s will for me is to be whole – to become one person.
It has always been God’s will for me to tell the truth, and to tell it quickly. In order to live in the light of a recovered life, I must learn to tell the truth. I must remain one person.