God’s will is that I tell the truth

Duplicitous.  This is the word that describes my years of ‘acting out’ as an addict.

There’s an old saying:  “He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.”  I had plenty to hide.  Some of it was illegal.  Most of it was immoral.  And all of it was selfish and self-serving.

I pretended to love God; in fact, I had convinced myself that I was going to enter the ministry.  I signed up to study Christian theology and philosophy… (I even studied ancient Greek).  I thought I was preparing myself for service to God.

But the whole time I was learning about God, I was ‘studying’ pornography.  A student of theology by day, and porn by night.  Yeah, you could say I had plenty to hide.

And this duplicity continued throughout my married life until I got caught…  and I, finally, had to face my hypocrisy.

Learning to tell the truth was not easy for me.  I had spent almost forty years lying about everything – things I didn’t need to lie about.  I even lied to myself… my lying had become pathological.

No one ever saw the real me, only the ‘fake’ me.  Just smoke and mirrors.

It is God’s will that I become whole, a whole person.  God is not duplicitous; and God’s will for me is to be whole – to become one person.

It has always been God’s will for me to tell the truth, and to tell it quickly.  In order to live in the light of a recovered life, I must learn to tell the truth.  I must remain one person.