For years I thought humility had something to do with making self-deprecating comments, and pretending that I didn’t matter. I learned to self-loath. I was taught that “I am a worm, and no man.” Oddly enough, I pretended that this was true humility.
Little did I know that this kind of humility was false. In actual fact, I really wanted to be the center of my universe. And my self importance led me into addiction.
In my recovery, however, I have been introduced to true humility. I have met many who, like me, tend to self-loath. But there are others who are learning self care. They are now of the opinion that they do matter, and that they are worthy of love. They are also aware of their tendency to over estimate their importance and personal magnitude. They know they are not – nor do they wish to be – the center of the universe.
C.S. Lewis has an accurate definition: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.”
As an addict, I was the center of the universe. Everything revolved around my wants and needs. My day was spent by thinking about my own needs, and how I could get more of my “drug.” I thought about my selfish needs constantly. I had to have certain things. I was convinced I could not live without my drug of choice.
I wanted certain things and, childishly, I wanted them now. In many respects I had not matured. As a self-centered little child, I knew nothing of humility. My needs and wants came first. My will put me first in line every time.
Like patience, it occurred to me that I needed to learn humility. I have come to realize that God’s will for me is to learn true humility. Without it, I would continue to put my own needs first and , selfishly, remain in my addiction.
I needed to learn humility if I was going to recover completely. And since it’s God’s will that I recover, it is God’s will that I learn true humility.