Sometimes I screw up.
I’m not perfect, and I screw things up. I could have the purest intentions, and “make the right moves” but I still manage to screw things up.
Can you relate to what I am saying?
Sometimes my partner and I will get into it – you know – argue about how I messed things up. During our heated discussion, I try to protect myself by taking a more aggressive stance with her.
And I blame her for something.
Usually I try to blame her for my mistakes. Somehow I manage to turn things around and put my ‘failure’ on her. If I fail to see the error of my way, we continue to argue and our heated conversation starts to escalate.
I don’t like to self-loath. So, I look for another on which to place my ‘burden.’ Unfortunately, it seems to be my beloved partner that takes the blame.
Fortunately, she is in recovery, and knows what the blame game is…
This means that I can’t play it with her. Unconsciously, I invite her to play it with me when I’m upset and starting to self-loathe. But she knows better than to accept my ‘skunky’ competition.
I wouldn’t have to play this game if I would simply let go of what I am grasping so tightly. You know – I think it’s called perfectionism. I want to be right. I have this deep-seated belief that I can’t be wrong; I can’t screw up.
I want to be perfect. And I want others to think I am perfect. It’s one of those false beliefs that seem to be hard-wired in my brain.
I feel ashamed when I screw up. And other shame-faced people have no problem reminding me of my shortcomings, which I feed into even more.
Shame (feeling worthless and un-loveable) starts to feel like anger and resentment. As I continue to resist this feeling (instead of letting it go), I fall right into the same pit where I was in my addiction. And, man, it stinks in there!
I know better than to play the blame game; but sometimes I screw up…